Dear Abigail,
My wife and I have known each other for 20 years and for 20 years we haven’t been able to talk about money without arguing. She wants to spend money regardless of our budget and I want to save. We have two daughters who are in second and third grade and I worry about the cost of college, camp, cars and everything else. We share a bank account and a credit card, but for some reason (I think her mother’s advice) my wife has always insisted on having her own bank account and credit card too. I think she doesn’t want me to complain about her buying shoes and facial products, and she’s probably right because I’m sure I would complain about that.
My wife’s salary is about half of my salary – I also get bonuses when work goes well, but these are not guaranteed, which adds to my anxiety – but I made a deal with her: I’m okay with her keeping her own account as long as she puts about half of her salary into our joint account to cover our family’s expenses, and that way I can keep track of whether we’re saving money or losing money.
For years she has been playing around with this by randomly transferring money from our joint account to hers without telling me what it is for or not adding the full agreed upon amount. Every time I ask her about it we get into a heated argument. She thinks I’m cheap and money crazy and I don’t think she cares about the future.
In the last six months she has stopped contributing about 25 percent of the agreed amount, which is having a major impact on our budget. I brought this up a few months ago and she said she would fix it. I looked at our account today: she still doesn’t deposit the promised money. I texted her about it today but she didn’t respond.
Meanwhile, she’s on my case about whether we should take our kids to Disney for the first time next year – which I’d like to do, but it annoys me that she wants to spend money on a trip when she hasn’t helped with savings. Last month our credit card bill was way over budget and she still decided to hire someone to repair our driveway. She believes that if something needs to be fixed, it needs to be fixed. She could be right about that. I came home one time and freaked out when I saw she was hiring someone to cut down a bunch of trees – I would have waited until the trees wouldn’t fall on the house for a day – because spending money on things we need is important to me too.
But at some point, if you spend more than you earn, you will eventually lose all your money.
– Markus, 41
mark,
Public urinals, I’m told, suffer from a nasty feedback loop. The first man splashes on the urinal cake, leaving a small drop on the floor. The next man stands a little further back to avoid the wet tiles. Because he is further away, he misses something and the trickle expands into a puddle. The man behind him stands even further back, causing even more splashing and an even bigger puddle. Soon the bathroom is disgusting. This is what my husband says, who is very proud of having discovered what he considers to be the perfect example of a “vicious cycle.”
You and your wife are stuck in a situation, dear Mark. (No urinal – one cycle.) Things are getting worse between you and your wife Because they have gotten worse.
https://www.thefp.com/p/tough-love-abigail-shrier-money-fights-marriage
